In this great season of hopefulness, it is ironic that many among us are cruelly stalked by grief. When St. Paul writes of the sting of death, he speaks to all of us who are unable to free ourselves from brooding darkness to fully embrace the Christmas promise of new life.

In some traditions, there are special remembrances to mark our losses: sitting shiva, lighting candles, holding a wake, or attending a blue Christmas service. These practices link us to each other and remind us that at the heart of all Faiths is community. Yet, it can sometimes be challenging to get our bearings, especially amid endless carol singing and gift-giving. For many the experience of holiday joy is easily conflated with despair and isolation.

I have sometimes felt my emotions in a song, a piece of art, or a poem. My mother was an artist, and I can close my eyes and see her sitting in our living room at Christmas with a piece of art she created. Other times, I will reread the poem Crossing the Bar, marvel at a recording of Bach or Mozart, or recall the origin stories of family ornaments as I place them on the tree.

Sadly, healing from loss proceeds at its own snail’s pace. Grief is like a river with eddies that spin around, with sections that seem to go fast while other sections that simply meander. The water moves in its own time. Yet, there is always movement inviting us to peer into the water and see the light reflected within its depths.

Moving forward takes time, focus, and awareness. If you can, share your thoughts and feelings with a friend, family member, or church member. If you don’t have the words, simply ask someone to sit with you. You do not need to do this alone.

In many ways, Christmas is exactly the season to embrace this swirl of emotions. The season is not just about being merry. The Christ child was born into a world of chaos. His would be a life of struggle and discouragement. Yet, from this ominous beginning, there would always be the unmistakable promise that healing and reconciliation would follow in abundance.

What I should be doing is planning more time to experience quiet. There are several ways you might do this. Taking a hike in the forests around Arlington can be refreshing. Theodore Roosevelt Island is surprisingly comforting. There are also a host of trails and several start at Donaldson Run – park beyond the tennis courts and look at the map.

Another thought is that the church building isn’t there just for Sunday services, meetings, or even crisis; it is also for the quiet experience.

When you tell someone that you are going to ‘church,’ it is almost always viewed as having a certain priority. This is good. But who says it must be an organized event? You can plan to take time to simply sit. You can sip coffee, call a friend, read, or even watch a show on one of your devices. It is a place of refuge that is safe and invites quiet. One can recharge, but to do so, you need to give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

This doesn’t make you selfish. If you are looking to provide some justification for this action, you will also be teaching those around you how to take of oneself.

So how do you sit and relax when you have so much to do? Some have learned to focus on the simple act of breathing slowly in and out. Others will focus on a story, a friend, or even writing something. Some find that even the act of making a list of their ‘to-do’s’ puts those thoughts on paper and helps to make the items less ‘featureless.’ It is no longer just a sense of anxiety – and you can reward yourself by checking those items off, and even dropping those items that you will never get to. Also, consider adding a bit of exercise to the priority list. This can be a walk, on-line yoga (or at the Virginia Hospital Center are several exercise classes for a modest fee (and free parking). Gather small victories by passing up the second cookie, drink, or overly rich food.

Give yourself the gift of time to think about your joys and how to share them with others.

As we all participate in the holiday season, yes – enjoy the lights, the purpose of the holy day, family and friends, but also think and plan how you are going to increase your rejoicing by taking care of yourself. Plan some ‘quiet times.’ Unfortunately, they will not come on their own. And, as we all know, if you can’t plan some quiet times, then you desperately need them. Consider, reaching out to a friend and ask how they manage, or talking to a counselor to get ideas.

If nothing else, since I am a doctor, and you may view this short blog as my having written you a prescription for you to take quiet times.

Rich Long, Ed.D.